Your Focus Needs More Focus

While seemingly the same, self-control and self-discipline hold one important difference: time.

Self-control is the ability to override impulses (“I’m not going to touch the stovetop”).

Self-discipline is the ability to commit oneself, over time, to a plan, regimen, or program, often related to achievement of a goal.

Both of these are important, of course, but they’re not mutually exclusive; control over the former doesn’t necessarily lead to mastery over the latter. Indeed, self-discipline is the gold standard, and it’s the more challenging of the two to ingrain.

Unravelling the secrets of self-discipline

Mental health therapist Kate Borsato specializes in supporting moms in their transition to and through motherhood and creates self-help educational resources for moms globally. As a high-level athlete, self-discipline has played a large part in her life and success; but over the years, she’s recognized that what lies underneath that self-discipline is what truly guides us toward the life we want to live.

“When I think about self-discipline,” Borsato says, “I’ve often been confused about how some goals are almost easy and exciting to work toward, whereas others feel like a total slog. Were those goals even mine? And was it just about self-discipline? I don’t think so.”

Instead, Borsato believes the energy required to achieve a goal needs to come from our values. “What is it that we actually want? What will that get us? What’s the feeling underneath that specific goal? When we ask these questions, we can get closer to understanding our values, which is what really drives us toward a fulfilling life,” she says.

How to infuse more self-discipline into our daily lives

First, get clear about what you value, and how you want to feel.

Borsato asks, “So, you want to work out five days a week? But why? How will that create the life you truly want?” Or, “maybe you’ve set the goal to meditate daily. But why? Maybe you’re working on being a calmer and more grounded parent so that you can create a peaceful home for your family. Great! Write that down. That’s your real motivation.”

Practise living intentionally rather than on autopilot.

“We can’t just coast through the day without paying attention to what we’re doing and expect that, magically, we’ll make aligned choices,” says Borsato. Rather, she instructs us to pause and be in the moment and to check in with ourselves often. “We have to make our goals and values explicit (literally write them down) so we can quickly notice when our choices are taking us away from those goals,” she says.

How to practise self-forgiveness when self-discipline slips

Self-compassion (which is the opposite of self-criticism) is a tough thing to learn. But, Borsato says, “Self-criticism isn’t actually motivating. It creates a stress response in your nervous system and makes it even less likely that you’ll make positive changes in your life.”

Self-compassion, on the other hand, is when you treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially when you make mistakes. This allows you to learn and grow, and ultimately move toward your goals.

“Self-compassion isn’t being easy on yourself,” adds Borsato. You’re not letting yourself off the hook or dropping your expectations. “Instead, it’s about acknowledging when you’re having a hard time, and then asking yourself what you need to get back on track.”

Harnessing the power of self-discipline

“When we live in alignment with our values, saying yes to what lights us up, and no to anything else, we can create a life that is uniquely fulfilling,” says Borsato. “We have to expect that there will always be bumps on our path, waxing and waning motivation and discipline, but with time and intention, we can keep inching toward what matters most to us.”