The Heart Does Not Age

Marie de Hennezel would probably find my reaction amusing, and typical of a North American. In her work as a psychologist, therapist, and author, she’s encountered many attitudes about aging, but perhaps none more negative than those around sex.

She points out that while we’re making progress in understanding seniors as vibrant, engaged individuals, there’s a persistent depiction of their sexual interest as “ridiculous and inappropriate.”

It’s true—while I look forward to the wisdom, perspective, and maturity that my advancing years might bring, I can’t foresee my sex life improving—and I feel embarrassed to let anyone know I’m thinking about it.

Feelings of desire

But while the physical changes brought on by aging are undeniable—decreased libido, mobility issues, and less-than-reliable machinery—there’s no reason to assume that we will stop experiencing feelings of desire and wish to act upon them.

De Hennezel points out that the optimistic notion that sex will just keep getting better is something of a myth—especially if one’s idea of sexual “success” is based solely on looks or physical performance. Youth-obsessed culture provides endless depictions of dramatic, gymnastic sexual routines that race toward an explosive finish line.

But, she suggests, for those willing to let go of those conventional ideas, sex can be more connected, more fulfilling, and more passionate than ever before. It’s all about the attitude and the approach.

“Third-age” sex

In her book, de Hennezel uses collected research and many personal interviews to explore the rich and varied sex lives of this “third age.” She brings that inimitable French style to her reportage, managing to be both matter-of-fact and irreverent.

Many of the personal interviews seem to stand in contrast to some rather disheartening research about sex in old age. Attitudes to sex and love as one grows older are as unique as each individual and, perhaps unsurprisingly, seem tied to one’s enthusiasm and zest for life in general.

For every subject de Hennezel finds who is experiencing a renaissance of desire and fulfillment, there is another who has closed the door on conventional sexual expression, for a wide variety of reasons. While some simply no longer experience desire and are happy with their lives, others suffer, either because of the loss of their partner or because their bodies can’t do what they once could.

Instead of trying to recreate the sex of their thirties or even their fifties, her happiest subjects have tapped into something deeper and more meaningful. Rather than a race to a destination, these people experience sex as an opportunity to connect with their partner (or partners—this is France, after all!) with honest communication and a bit of ingenuity.

These men and women have accepted, even embraced, their less-than-perfect bodies and find themselves enjoying intimacy in new and rewarding ways.

A deeper connection

What unites them is their quest for a deeper connection—whether connecting to a previously hidden part of themselves, finding the kind of companionship that suits them, or being willing to explore new kinds of intimate expression with an equally patient and adventurous partner. If someone is truly interested in sex and its expression, they will find a way.

Many older people reported that age had given them the opportunity to redefine intimacy for themselves and share that experience with their partner. Together, these couples were able to relax and discover pleasure, tenderness, and joy, both in and out of the boudoir.

We look to the French for advice on how to live well, because they seem to understand the value of quality over quantity and the pleasure of slowing down, whether it’s food, wine, fashion, socializing—or sex. It’s good advice for any age when de Hennezel suggests, “Take pleasure as it comes, rather than focusing on what it should be.”