The Price of Nice

Winter holidays can be an opportunity for (re)connection—but they can also be overwhelming.

“The holidays always bring a greater sense of obligation, and I think it is important to just name and recognize that,” says Stephanie Davis, a registered clinical counsellor and certified organization coach based in Vancouver.

Trying to do too much, and putting others’ needs consistently before our own can leave us feeling burned out, resentful, and regretful. This can affect our health; regret is a largely negative emotion associated with depression and anxiety. Thankfully, there are practical ways to avoid maxing out this holiday season.

“I often advise my clients to do a bit of an audit around their overall well-being—or bandwidth—as the holidays approach,” says Davis.

Davis says that key questions to ask yourself in this audit include the following:

·         How are you feeling about your relationships with those you may be seeing?

·         How are you feeling about your own energy?

·         What do you know about how [the] season affected you last year or in previous years?

·         What do you hope to take away from this season?

The answers will help you consider how to proceed with asks that are made of you.

According to Davis, it’s also important to consider the flip side: how equipped are we to face the consequences of our “no,” especially at the holidays when it can create ruptures in relationships?

If you’re still feeling called to say no to something after weighing the pros and cons, Davis recommends using “I” statements (“I feel …”) which are helpful to keep the focus on your needs and avoids others feeling blamed, shamed, or punished.

Indulge, your way

With your newly freed time, draw a bath, watch a show, write in your journal, or do nothing at all. You’ll have more to give to those around you if you recharge and fill your cup. And remember that the right to rest is a two-way street: make sure to grant friends and families who may bow out of commitments at this time of year the same grace you’d like to receive.

What to do if it’s already done

If you went ahead and said yes to something that you didn’t truly want to do, Davis recommends not being too hard on yourself.

“The choices we make that violate our own needs or boundaries are often driven by our need to maintain connection and fear of what will happen to the relationship, and our emotional and psychological safety, if we say no,” she says. “Honour the fact that those strategies have been helpful in the past, which is why we default to them.”

Meanwhile, think about boundaries you can draw for next time. Davis recommends reflecting on the forces and patterns that drive your social habits, and speak to a mental health professional or coach to understand how we can shift those behaviours in the future.

“I often feel that regret comes as a consequence of betraying ourselves,” she says. “If we can be honest with ourselves and others about where we are at, those betrayal feelings lessen and then so does the regret.”

Gender dynamics

If you feel like you and your girlfriends are particularly maxed out, it may not be all in your head. Research on selflessness has suggested women may be more prone to engaging in behaviours seen as selfless and generous, potentially because of social conditioning.

Tools for maintaining balance

This article was originally published in the December 2023 issue of alive magazine.