Reach Out—Don’t “Man Up”

A certain amount of short-term stress can be a good thing: it boosts alertness and primes the brain for enhanced performance. Chronic stress, on the other hand, can lead to an increased risk of type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, depression, and anxiety, among other conditions. In men, high stress can also contribute to erectile dysfunction.

What’s happening when we’re stressed?

Physiologically, men and women initially react to stress in similar ways: breathing quickens, heart rate increases, muscles tense up, and sweating starts. In response to a stressful incident—or a perceived threat—the body releases a cascade of hormones, and different hormones appear to affect how stress then manifests.

What are the differences for men and women?

Men tend to experience the “fight-or-flight” mechanism, while women typically lean toward “treat and nurture” or “tend and befriend.” The fight-or-flight reflex is a primal instinct that evolved as a survival mechanism in the presence of an imminent danger, one that is triggered most prominently in men.

In the face of a stressful situation, women generally produce more oxytocin than men. The “cuddle hormone” calms the nervous system and encourages social interaction. Combined with estrogen, the reproductive hormone, this promotes the need for intimate contact and emotional expression.

Men, meanwhile, produce lower levels of oxytocin, and they also release vasopressin, which is associated with aggression. Coupled with the testosterone, which promotes a sense of separateness, men are more prone to ignore stress.

What are common sources of stress for men?

Sources of stress among men and women include health issues, death of a spouse or close family member, divorce or separation, and major personal illness or injury. Other triggers appear to be especially common in men, according to John Oliffe, professor and Canada Research Chair in Men’s Health Promotion at the University of British Columbia.

“Relationships can be common stressors,” Oliffe says. “For men trying to forge partner relationships, it can be distressing if they’re not equipped to deal with it; no one really teaches guys how to have relationships. It’s kind of trial and error.

“Money is another,” Oliffe says, pointing to evidence of higher suicide rates in men following the 2008 global recession.

“These days, it’s a recession; there’s inflation; and if you’re lucky enough to have a job, your wage is lagging behind those increases,” he says. “We know it’s just a gas lighter for guys, because they might align to that ‘breadwinner’ role, whether they’re fulfilling it or not. Guys like to idealize themselves as being at the forefront of providing.”

What are the expectations for men versus women?

Society does indeed place different, if outdated, expectations on men and women as to how they should deal with stressful situations. Men commonly feel that not revealing emotion is a show of strength. “A lot of times guys will revert to this or think it’s taboo,” Oliffe says. “This can be informed by the hope of being strong for someone else.”

Traditional expectations of “manning up” can affect men’s abilities to deal with stress in meaningful ways.

The 3 I’s

Often, the way things unfold can be summed up by what Oliffe refers to as the “three I’s.”

1. Injury (a major life transition such as a breakup or job loss), with men feeling as though they should be able to push through it until it goes away
2. Interiority, with men looking internally to deal with a major stressor rather than reaching out to others, possibly turning to substance use to blunt their emotions
3. Isolation—social isolation, Oliffe notes, is the biggest predictor of male suicide: “If you’ve got an injury and look internally—you’re not dealing with it and you’re isolating to conceal the injury—there’s a great amount of shame in not being able to solve problems or even in just having problems. Injuries can manifest in ways that are counterproductive.”

What might be under the surface?

It’s vital to remember that stress could be a sign of deeper underlying problems. “I think every guy we talk to about depression talks about stress, and every guy who talks about stress talks about depression,” Oliffe adds.

“The language is less loaded. Sometimes when you hear someone say, ‘I’m so stressed,’ try and unpack that. Stress is often a calling card for other things going on. There could be mental health challenges underneath the behaviours you’re seeing, and it’s important to dig deeper.”

What can men do to effectively deal with stress?

Exercise

The mental health benefits of exercise cannot be emphasized enough. Physical activity boosts the body’s production of endorphins, or feel-good neurotransmitters; it improves mood, focus, productivity, and sleep.

“Exercise is key,” Oliffe says. “It’s about small gains, small goals; it’s the routine that a lot of guys really like. It gives you some time to think. I often do a three-song run, and the most important part is the cool-down. I get to unpack the day.”

Reach out

Reaching out to a partner, friends, or other trusted people in your life is another way to manage stress. “Think about it as mutual help: a lot of times if you have a conversation with another guy, they’ll have things that affirm you in your experience. There’s a reciprocity there. We do better with people around us, especially good people.”

Consider professional help

Accessing professional help can go a long way in handling stress, and more men are accessing such services, Oliffe says. Speaking with someone who’s outside of their personal situation can help men debrief with a view to seeing things from another point of view, ultimately giving them back some control.

The shift to online counselling or therapy since COVID has led to more men getting help, since they can access help from the privacy of their home or office.

Try a men’s group

Men’s groups can be equally effective because they encourage accountability for doing introspective work, bearing witness to others’ experiences, and drawing wisdom from those relatable situations. Oliffe recommends finding a group that’s proactive and focused on responsibility as opposed to those that may simply involve counterproductive whining.

What about shouting it out loud?

Yelling might be more associated with men, and while expressing emotions is positive, this particular form may not be all that helpful. “It’s a loss of control often associated with overreaction,” Oliffe says.

“Often, anger will be the expression of three, four, or five emotions underneath that they can’t make sense of, and the frustration is articulated as yelling,” he says. “It doesn’t get rid of the discord. It’s helpful if men can sit with those things that don’t make sense to unpack them and ask: ‘Where is my regret coming from? Where is my relief coming from?’ It’s okay to work through those yourself plus or minus some professional help.”