Is Your Marriage Ripe for an Affair?

Quick, answer this question with the first thing that comes to mind: If you were worried that your spouse might stray, how would you prevent it? Maybe your knee-jerk response is "I would lose 20 pounds and upgrade my wardrobe" or "I would shower my spouse with expensive gifts."

Or you'd answer "I would be extra attentive to my spouse so she would realize how good she has it." If your answer resembled any of those above, bad news: you're on the wrong track. You've bought into a common misconception about what causes affairs in the first place.

Most people assume that people have affairs with someone more attractive, sexier, or richer than their spouse. Despite the clich?the mid-life crisis situation where the husband runs off with his much younger secretary, for instance that's not what infidelity is about. People who cheat generally choose someone busier and more goal-oriented than their current partner. Someone more interesting, in other words.

That's right. The harsh truth is that when one spouse strays, it's probably because the other spouse has become, well, boring. So your focus on your appearance or your desperate attempts to please your partner completely miss the point.

Here are five warning signs that your marriage may be ripe for an affair.

1. You don't challenge each other

Unconditional acceptance is a myth. Healthy marriages require a mutual willingness to challenge and be challenged. An "Oh, I'll let the little woman do whatever makes her happy" attitude is condescending and harmful. If your partner lounges around in her bathrobe watching TV every day and you say nothing, then you're not invested in her well-being. Maybe she's depressed. Maybe she's sick. Maybe she's succumbing to laziness. Regardless, the message that she gets loud and clear from your silence is that you don't care. Not only do you have the right to make reasonable demands on your partner, you have the obligation to do so.

2. You and your partner have morphed into one

Getting married does not mean becoming two people with the same interests, hobbies, and friends. If you and your spouse do everything together, something's wrong. If your partner is not allowed to have a life of his own, he will eventually become resentful. Similarly, if you're over-interested in his life, wanting to know or be involved in every detail, he will feel intruded upon and smothered. True intimacy requires two people leading independent lives, not two people living through each other. The best marriages are low-maintenance ones that give each partner space and freedom.

3. One person selflessly lives for the other

We like to tell the story of Bernard, a heart surgeon, and Stacy, the wife who selflessly devoted herself to him. She supported him through medical school. She stayed home and raised his kids. She prepared gourmet meals for him, often complete with heart-shaped ice cubes. And one day Bernard left Stacy for a dishevelled photojournalist, two years his senior, who chastised him for stealing a cab she'd just hailed. Why? Because the photojournalist was interesting. Selfless devotion is boring. Bernard could have hired a housekeeper and a caterer. Gratitude for services rendered is no replacement for a stimulating partner. By failing to cultivate a life of her own, Stacy deprived Bernard and herself of that.

4. Everything centres on your children

It's easy to succumb to the temptation to make your kids the centre of the universe. Don't. For too many parents, running kids to and from soccer practice, dance lessons, and weekend parties becomes an insidious dance of intimacy avoidance. When you are reduced to being little more than an appointment secretary or a taxicab for your children, there's precious little time to develop an identity or a life of your own. Remember, children are temporary. One day they will grow up and leave and your marriage will still be there. More to the point, you'll still be there. So devote at least as much energy to your personal growth as you do to the social life of your kids.

5. You never talk

Does the question "How was your day?" unleash a monologue, a laundry list of activities, or a cacophony of complaints from you or your partner? If so, you're missing the point of communication. Quality communication is the heart of intimacy. (And you thought sex was what intimacy was all about!) If you're confused about what constitutes a high-intimacy dialogue, here's a clue: it centres on feelings, not information. Instead of merely reporting to your partner what happened to you that day, tell her how it made you feel. Even if you have only 10 minutes a day to talk to her, make those 10 minutes count.

Interestingly, most of these warning signs are variations on a common theme: abandonment. If you don't care enough to become an interesting partner, if you don't challenge your spouse to "be all he can be," if you fail to connect with your partner emotionally, you might as well be a disinterested roommate. Abandoning your spouse is the first step to checking out of the relationship.

Some Solutions

So what can you do to affair-proof your marriage? The answer can be summed up in three little words: get a life.

Set goals and work toward them. Immerse yourself in a career or activity that interests you. Don't just hop from one random activity to another. Have a vision of what you want your life to be and do something every day in pursuit of that vision. Take some risks and challenge your spouse to do the same. Even if it causes some temporary discomfort, remember that a healthy marriage isn't about comfort zones and the status quo. If you settle for comfort, your marriage will die.

How can you start living a life by design rather than default? Plan a weekend getaway with your spouse aimed at self-transformation. During this time, each of you should list 20 criteria that describe where you want to be in the next five years. Review the lists with each other.

There's one more point we would like to make. Create a rich, rewarding life for yourself and, if your spouse did have an affair and ultimately leave you, you will be well-equipped to cope. Interesting people have more resources, be they money, social connections, or potential new romantic partners. Marriage holds no guarantees. The only person you can count on to always be there is you. Being abandoned by a spouse is far preferable to abandoning yourself.