When Kids Want to Quit

What kind of parent do you want to be? What do you view your job as being? What do you hope for with your kids? Knowing these things can help you to be grounded in your day-to-day parenting because you know your “why.”

Understand your parenting style

Do you consider your role to be:

·         maintaining order and control?

·         cultivation of spontaneity and discovery?

·         keeping them safe and protected?

·         developing their life skills?

·         avoiding conflict?

Understanding your style (and this can be situational) helps to clarify why some things are more important to you than others. If you’re clear about how you want to show up, you’re more likely to adjust to that rather than drifting off-course.

Be curious and dig deep

When the challenge, “I don’t want to do this anymore!” arises, try to be curious about what your child is experiencing and note your own reaction. When faced with challenges, we may have a tendency to avoid, fix, minimize, or catastrophize. Be aware of your tendency, breathe, and refocus on what is triggering your child’s caution or resistance.

One mom shared an experience where her child was clear that they didn’t want to return to an activity. With a “kid-focused discussion,” she helped her child, and herself, understand what had triggered this reluctance. From there, it was possible to look at alternatives. As she said, “after getting to the root of his fears, we were able to find a way forward.”

Be creative

I’m a big fan of creative problem solving. Rather than being blocked or stumped, stay clear in your intention and help your child look for alternative paths. Maybe this means a different but related activity, or more support, or taking a break and returning later. One mom found taking a break to be very effective: “Often he’s just having a bad day, and the bad day isn’t about the sport.”

Don’t sweat the small stuff

Recognize if you’re getting caught up in a struggle, and consider if it’s worth it. Sometimes a kid’s autonomy may be more important than the activity, at least for now. Or maybe there’s an activity that really matters to you, but your kid couldn’t care less! Other times, you may decide the lessons and skills to be learned in persevering are worth sticking it out. This gets clearer if you take a few breaths and reflect on the situation, and the big picture.

Carry your learning forward

Sometimes things go poorly, for you and/or your kids. There can be misunderstandings, frustrations, power struggles, disappointments, and frosty car rides. Rather than lingering on these for too long, try accepting that the situation was difficult and didn’t end as you would have wished. Consider how you could approach this if you had a redo. This can be the learning you take forward into future situations.

Celebrate small victories

Sometimes things go well! You and your kids really communicate, dig deep, and work together to find a good path forward. Remember to celebrate these wins with them, and for yourself. Otherwise, you may miss the win and get focused on the next challenge, missing out on the enjoyment of a family in sync.

You are a role-model

Remember that how you handle life’s challenges is being observed. Your willingness to hang in for difficult tasks, to take a time out when needed, or to stop something that is no longer a good fit, are what your kids may emulate. Every time you make a conscious effort to understand them and work together, you’re modelling healthy behaviours that can serve them well going forward.

You are not alone

Any parent can have a moment when they think these questions:

·         Is it okay, or not okay?

·         Was there a better alternative?

·         Did we miss something?

·         Are we good (enough) parents?

While these are all very normal questions to ask ourselves in moments of self-reflection, knowing that our doubts are shared by most parents can be very reassuring.

Redefining success

Success typically means accomplishment, completion, or winning. Try expanding the definition of success to include perseverance through challenges and obstacles. This is critical in building resilience and confidence, thereby equipping your kids with invaluable life skills.

This article was originally published in the August 2024 issue of alive magazine.