Mothers Supporting Mothers

For Liz Bovey, CEO and founder of Westside Montessori School and mother of three boys (including a set of twins!), being a mother has enabled her to “experience life in new ways.”

For Sarah Rosensweet, Peaceful Parenting coach and mother of three older kids, at the heart of motherhood, underneath its joys and sacrifices, is “connection.”

Finally, for Valerie Tih, Enneagram parent educator and mother of two, including one son with Down syndrome, mothering is an opportunity for ultimate presentness, self-awareness, and role-modelling both strength and tenderness, all to help her children “feel seen, safe, understood, and loved.”

Motherhood, says Tih, is full of “both/and” polarities and paradoxes: being firm and flexible, periods of development that are changing while at other times feel unflinching, and creating a family life that is marked by both structure and chaos.

Less spoken of is just how much “comes up” while mothering, including intergenerational trauma and unmet needs. Often mothers have to learn how to parent their child and reparent themselves!

Mothers, managing

Whether it’s keeping track of appointments, keeping up with school events, and (let’s not forget) keeping the snacks coming, mothers often “… find themselves depleted by, and resentful of, the mental load they carry,” says Tih.

In reflecting upon her own mother, Bovey notes, “While progress has been made, mothers today face challenges in trying to ‘balance’ the tolls of working, managing the home, and trying to look like we have it all together.”

Unmasking mothering

Despite women’s massive integration into the labour market, women do most of the to-ing and fro-ing, from grocery runs to school pick-ups. The adage, “a mother’s work is never done” speaks to the numerous responsibilities that mothers attend to daily, from errands to the emotional well-being of family members.

Tih notes that the caring mothers provide for their families is a kind of invisible work, often overlooked and undervalued.

Minding mothering judgement

Mothers, shares Tih, get the “stink eye” in the form of “unfair, shame-inducing scrutiny when their child is struggling.”

In Rosensweet’s work, she frequently supports mothers who have children who are “more-” or “extra”-sensitive, strong-willed, spirited, and/or neurodivergent. Their children may have meltdowns or just not sit quietly in public. They have big feelings, and everyone around them knows that! The mothers of these children are often seen as “bad” mothers and blamed for their “big” behaviour when they could be doing everything “right.”

Mothers are also “… judged for working outside the home as well as for choosing to stay at home and raise their children,” Bovey adds. “Mothers can feel like they need to have and do it all: an Insta-worthy life, picture-perfect family, and dedication to their careers.”

“From Pinterest-level lunches to lavish birthday parties, there can be high expectations placed on mothers, even to the point of expecting perfection,” says Rosensweet.

Mending mother comparisons

Rosensweet reminds us that we can never really know what another mother struggles with. When we compare, we don’t really see each other as we truly are. Tih prioritizes presentness: “Turning attention to other families and comparing their lives or parenting to mine, I lose out on fostering connection and relationship with my kids.”

For Bovey, comparison is the opposite of realness, sharing that her 11-year-old said recently, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

Mothering, together

“The most important thing a mother can do for a fellow mom is to truly listen, without judgement or advice,” says Tih, while Rosensweet adds that offering an, “I struggle too sometimes,” cultivates compassion and community. From a shoulder to lean on in the early years, to a daycare drop-off now and again, or joining a mompreneur group, mothers supporting each other goes a long way.

More mothers

“It’s important to remember that mothers didn’t all come to motherhood along the same path,” Bovey emphasizes. Adoption, fertility challenges, IVF, surrogates, miscarriages, and stillbirths are just some of what mothers experience.

Likewise, parenting comes in all forms, including trans, queer, single, and widowed mothers and mothering done by extended family. “By embracing the full spectrum of maternal identities, we can move away from the marginalization and toward empathy and inclusion,” Tih says. As the mom of a child with a disability, Tih notes she’s “… experienced firsthand how inclusion fosters belonging and a deep sense of community.”

Minding mothers

“Mothering is not a one-size-fits-all endeavour,” says Tih, and adds, “there isn’t one right way to parent.”

Bovey believes, “Every mother is doing the absolute best they can in the moment. And that looks different for each one of us. Reaching out, checking in, taking pause, offering support, connecting kindly,” say Bovey, are how we can supportively tend to the mothers in our lives.

Motherhood myths

Tih, Bovey, and Rosensweet offered the following assumptions that they notice are often made about motherhood:

●                   If you “do everything right,” your child won’t struggle or make mistakes.

●                   A child’s behaviour is attributable to a mom’s shortcomings.

●                   Everyone should have kids.

●                   To be a good mom you need to be calm all the time.

●                   Fun and freedom are over once you have kids.

●                   Every moment of mothering is magical and wonderful.

Global motherhood

According to a 2023 Ipsos survey, 85 percent of mothers, (on average) across 32 countries, agreed that “they’re satisfied with their children.”

This article was originally published in the August 2024 issue of alive magazine.