> Emotional and Mental Health

“Mommy!” A single declarative statement announces the new day in most households that include a waking toddler. There is seldom ambiguity–mommies have been on call for the morning rounds since time immemorial.

At the Manders household, however, this timeless truth has been turned on its ear. In this family, the morning clarion call is “Daddy!” In fact, on a recent visit with Brian and Leslie Manders, Daddy was looking a little frayed around the edges–and a little saggy in the middle–rom multiple sleep interruptions for seven consecutive nights while each of his three children waged their own battle with the latest flu bug.

With 12- and 10-year-old daughters and a 5-year-old son, the Manders are well-seasoned in the art of child rearing, and their respective family roles are no more a point of discussion than is the question of who will get up with the kids in the night. Gender equity has long been a given in this family unit where household chores are shared and the day-to-day
care-giving role is primarily Brian’s.

A Relative Role Revolution

There’s a quiet revolution taking place in Canadian households–one that we don’t hear a lot of discussion about. The question of evolving family roles is getting some attention in academia, though. Carlton University professor Andrea Doucet has spent a decade studying fathering and is about to release a new book this year, Do Men Mother? (University of Toronto Press, 2006) in which she explores the growing trend of fathers in primary care roles.

In addition, a “national alliance of researchers, community organizations, and fathers dedicated to the development and sharing of knowledge on father involvement,” called Father Involvement Research Alliance, is sharing knowledge with researchers, policy makers, and the general public in order to influence programs and attitudes that specifically support fathers, including stay-at-home dads.

Look online, too, and you’ll find a growing number of resources specifically for the stay-at-home dad (SAHD). There are chat rooms, comic strips, how-to books, SAHD groups, and even conventions all devoted to supporting and encouraging the role of fathers as primary care-givers.

Men at Work–at Home

What’s driving this quiet revolution? “With more and more women in the workplace making equal or larger salaries than their mates, many men are trading briefcases for diaper bags,” says Carlton’s Doucet. “More than 100,000 fathers act as the primary caregiver for their children in Canada, and that number has jumped by a quarter in only a few years.”

Looking back to his beginnings as a stay-at-home dad Brian Manders says, “We thought, at first, we were just making an economic decision. When we were expecting Corin (their 12-year-old daughter), we recognized that of the two of us, Leslie had the ability to earn more outside the home.”

Because Brian operates a small business from home, he was able to maintain a limited production schedule during the children’s younger years, gradually building up his workload as the kids became more independent.

“With hindsight,” Brian continues, “it wasn’t so much economics as it was our determination to provide full-time care for our children; it was just the most sensible way to realize that commitment.”

It’s Still Mrs. Mom, Thanks

The fact that Brian stays home with the kids doesn’t mean, of course, that Leslie’s role as a mother has been usurped. Indeed, Leslie’s bond with the children is obvious as I watch Corin, Anica, and Bryce listen attentively as she patiently explains the complexities of the latest transaction in their game of Whoville-opoly.

When there’s a conflict (an inevitability in Whoville), it’s obvious Mom’s a seasoned negotiator: her approach is respectful, patient, calm, and most importantly, successful. Everyone learns–not only how to become the Holiday Cheermeister who carves the rare Roast Beast, but also how to interact with mutual respect.

Sandi Gauvin is a writer and editor for alive magazine.

Source: alive #284, June 2006