> Children and Parenting

Men are discovering that taking care of their families is much more than bringing home a paycheque–it takes emotional and spiritual strength, too. And they’re up for the challenge.

In the past half century a great upheaval has taken place within the traditional roles of men and women. When I was born in the 1950s, the understood priority of women was to get married, raise children and support the husband in his chosen profession. She was recognized as the nurturer, and the home was her domain. The man was seen as the provider. He was responsible for providing a steady income and a secure future for his family.

I am the product of such a nuclear family. My father built a successful construction company in the ’60s, and my mother stayed home to raise five children. Everything about my childhood was normal and happy until my father died when I was 15. My mother was then cast into the role of a single parent, assuming the role of mom and dad. For the most part, we children grew to be well-adjusted adults–though my brothers and sisters would tell you I am the one who suffers from a certain amount of maladjustment.

What I realize today is that I had the privilege to watch this extraordinary woman transcend her traditional role as mother to assume whatever role was required to take care of her family. She took over my father’s role as a fully functioning partner in his company just because she believed there was no other choice. She reached beyond what was expected of her to become a more complete person.

In the face of this kind of necessity we all have the ability to transcend our limitations and traditional expectations to realize potential we never imagined was available. We all have the potential to become extraordinary. I was recently reminded of this truth by two men who are a part of a growing number of men who find themselves in nurturing roles.

Todd’s Story

A year ago Todd was in management with a construction company. He was working 80-hour weeks, believing he was fulfilling his main role as provider for his family. His days were filled with conflict resolution and crisis management, and upon arriving home after a long day he would often look for ways to check out emotionally. He watched television during the evening, often unaware of what he was watching. He played golf and soccer in the summer and hockey in winter, and on weekends got together with the guys for a few drinks. Even though he is a gentle, compassionate man, the growing frustration in his work was beginning to vent itself regularly on his hockey and soccer opponents, even to the point of him getting kicked out of a game or two.

Todd was determined to provide his family with a comfortable standard of life; however, the career path he had chosen was slowly crushing his spirit. He was in this state of mind when I first met him. He wandered into my office at the end of another long, difficult day, looking like he had just gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson.

After some serious introspection, Todd realized he was losing touch with the most important people in his life and, possibly most importantly, with himself. He finally concluded the income was not worth the personal fallout, so he quit his job. For the next six months he recommitted his time and energy to his wife and daughter, and to rediscovering his personal passion for life and work. His wife went to work, and he stayed home to look after their daughter.

Todd represents many men who have journeyed down the same path seeking to fulfill the role of provider for their families and realizing at some point that they are slowly dying from the inside out. The turning point occurred for Todd when he realized the need to provide for his family emotionally and spiritually as well as physically and financially.

Terry Lige is executive director of True Connections, a personal development company, and Inside Out Leadership Development Group, a corporate training company. He has more than 25 years experience in teaching, counselling and coaching people in their personal and professional lives to discover and express their full potential. He can be reached at 250-763-5556 or by e-mail at tlige@hotmail.com.

Source: alive #248, June 2003